Frequently Asked Questions
and Useful Resources
If you have a general question about non-monogamy, it’s probably already been answered in this FAQ, which is a compilation of all the content I’ve ever made, sorted by topic. If you’re looking for specific and tailored advice/support, book a 1-1 session with me.
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What is polyamory/being polyamorous?
The practice or desire to be in multiple simultaneous loving relationships with everyone’s knowledge and consent. You can also identify as polyamorous, which is the mindset or capacity to practise polyamory.
What are the different types of polyamorous relationships?
What is monogamy/being monogamous?
Monogamy is the practice or desire to be in one romantic relationship. Usually, a monogamous person will demand mutual exclusivity, but not always - it is possible to be monogamous while your partner is polyamorous. For more, watch this video, and this video.
What is toxic monogamy?
Toxic monogamy, similar to toxic masculinity, does not imply that all monogamy (or masculinity) is toxic. It is a set of ideas entrenched into mononormative culture that are dangerous and unhealthy. For further examples, watch this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video.
What is compulsory monogamy?
Compulsory monogamy (also known as mononormativity) is the institution of societal norms that demand everyone must conform to monogamy. Watch this video for a definition, as well as this video on the harm it can cause.
What is toxic polyamory?
There are definitely bad eggs in the community. Watch this video, and this video for real examples.
What is relationship anarchy?
It’s a life philosophy more than a relationship style. Watch this video, and this video.
What is veto power?
Check out this video, this video, this video, this post, and this post.
What is couple privilege, and how do you handle it?
Check out this article I wrote, plus this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video. I discuss a term I coined, “Couple Guilt” in this video, and I examine couple privilege in the media in this video.
What is unicorn hunting?
Check out this blog post I wrote (and read everything linked in it), and this blog post I wrote I also wrote an article about how to be a unicorn. Also check out this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video.
What’s the One Penis Policy?
Read the first part of this blog post, and then check out this video, this video, this post and this post.
What is don’t ask don’t tell (DADT)?
Check out this video, this video, this video, this video, and this post.
What’s the difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy?
One is a subset of the other but they’re not the same thing. Read this blog post.
What’s the difference between polyamory and polygamy?
Check out this video, and this video.
What’s the difference between polyamory and a harem?
Check out this video.
What’s the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?
Check out this video, this video and this video.
What’s the difference between an open relationship and swinging?
Check out this video.
What’s the difference between polyamorous and polysexual?
Check out this video.
What’s the difference between a polyamorous relationship (polycule) and a group of friends with benefits?
Watch this video.
What’s the difference between polyamory and casual dating?
In casual dating, the eventual goal is still to pick one person. You don’t do that in polyamory - you form multiple committed relationships. Watch this video and video.
What’s the difference between an anchor, primary, and nesting partner?
Check out this video. Also check out these definition videos: anchor partner, nesting partner
What’s the difference between hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory?
Watch this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video. You can also check out this tip.
What’s the difference between descriptive hierarchy and prescriptive hierarchy?
Watch this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video. You can also check out this tip and this tip.
What’s the difference between being “poly” and being “polyam”?
Poly is an abbreviation for a national identity (Polynesian); Polyam is an abbreviation for a relationship style. Watch this video.
For some definitions of various terms:
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What are the most common misconceptions?
For roundups and summaries of the most common misconceptions, watch this video, this video, this video this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video. I also made a bingo card and a carousel.
For examples of some of the most common misconceptions, keep reading!
All polyamorous people are forcing monogamous people to be polyamorous. They lie to monogamous people and trick them into relationships.
I’m sure some are, but generally, no, you’re just projecting. Read this post, watch this video and this video.
Polyamory only involves three people.
No, it’s polyamory, not triamory. Watch this video.
Polyamorous people never get jealous or insecure.
No - jealousy is literally the #1 thing I get asked about from polyamorous people (scroll down to see my tips on dealing with jealousy), so clearly it is at the forefront of people’s minds. Jealousy is a normal and natural emotion and polyamorous people are not superhumans. Watch this video, this video, this video, and this video.
Insecurity is also prevalent in polyamory - watch this video. But many feel it is worth it - watch this video.
Polyamorous people just don’t love their partners enough. If they actually loved them, they would never want to share them.
Yikes, possessive and projecting much? Watch this video. Also, there are a lot of benefits to your partner having another partner - watch this video.
Polyamorous people will eventually leave their partners to be monogamous. They’re just looking for a replacement. Someone will steal them away from you eventually.
Watch this video, this video and this video.
Polyamorous people have to actively be in more than one relationship to call themselves polyamorous.
No. Polyamory is more than a relationship status - it is an identity and a state of mind. Just like a bisexual person is still bisexual whoever they’re dating, a polyamorous person is still polyamorous whether they have one, two, five, or no partners - watch this video, and this video.
One person inevitably gets left out in a polyamorous relationship.
No, not necessarily - watch this video.
You have to date your partner’s partners, or it’s not real polyamory.
No, this is wrong - most people don’t date their partner’s partners because everyone has different tastes. Watch this video and this video. Also, triads (video) make up a small minority of the polyamorous community.
I had a lesbian partner and a straight male partner: watch this video. They were metamours (video) to each other. A person dating two people is called a V, V-hinge, or hinge. (video).
You have to be friends with your partner’s partners, or it’s not real polyamory.
No. This is the baseline standard for healthy polyamorous relationships. Kitchen table polyamory (video) exists, as does parallel polyamory (video). Watch this video for my approach to metamours, and also this video.
Also watch this video on when to meet metamours.
Polyamory is just cheating with extra steps.
No. Watch this video, video, this video, this video and this video.
Polyamory would fix cheating forever.
Nope, some people are just assholes, like this one in this video. Check out this blog post, this video, and this, this, and this.
Polyamorous people are in it for the sex.
Nope. Check out this video, this video, and this video.
Polyamorous people are “easy”, slutty, and will sleep with anyone.
Watch this video, this video, and this carousel.
Polyamorous people who go to orgies or engage in group sex aren’t really polyamorous.
Watch this video, and this video.
Polyamory is for people who are trying to fix their relationship, or for people to run away from their problems by spending time with other partners.
A polyamorous relationship is not a band-aid to a failing monogamous one - it is a valid dynamic that people choose to enter into to enhance an already amazing relationship. It has been demonstrated time and time again that people who open up to fix a failing monogamous relationship crash and burn. Check out this and this. There are many good reasons to open up a relationship that have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship failing.
To be fair, some people do certainly use other partners to run away from problems in their existing ones…but they literally never last. Simply put, if you don’t put in the effort to work on your relationship, the relationship will collapse, and no amount of adding new shit to it will change that. Watch this video.
Polyamorous people only seek other partners because they can’t satisfy each other in the bedroom.
Watch this video to find out just how wrong you are. (I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, just that it isn’t a universal rule.)
Polyamorous people are polyamorous because their partners are not enough.
Watch this video, video and this video.
Polyamorous people are all ugly, and that’s why they’re not picky, because they’re not attractive enough to get someone to agree to a monogamous relationship.
Polyamorous relationships never last.
Watch this video about a famously log-lasting polyamorous relationship. Then check out this post, this post and this post. Also, consider deconstructing the idea that longevity = success, and maybe check the monogamous divorce rate before making such a bold assertion.
You can’t love multiple people at the same time.
Here’s a video about the science of romantic love, and this video with an analogy.
Love is devalued if you love more than one person.
Watch this video breaking down how that just doesn’t make sense.
Polyamorous people can’t control themselves and have no boundaries in their relationships. It’s a free pass to do whatever you want.
If you think polyamory is a free-for-all, you fundamentally misunderstand it. Check out this post, this post, and this post. And watch this video.
Polyamorous people have commitment issues.
Nope, they’re committed to multiple people. Check out this post, this post, this video, this video, and this video. Also, maybe consider reframing your definition of commitment.
Polyamorous is just a fancy word for single. What’s the point?
Watch this video, this video, and this video.
Polyamorous people are just hedging their bets by being in multiple relationships.
Watch this video.
Polyamorous people are insecure and have low self-esteem.
Actually, it is because of my high self-esteem that led me to choose polyamory: watch this video. Polyamory actually gives me greater security. Also, science shows non-monogamous people are generally psychologically healthier than monogamous people: watch this video.
Polyamorous people need multiple partners to be happy.
No (at least not for me) - we just need freedom and choice. Check out this video, this video, this video, and this video.
Polyamorous people are all bisexual/bisexuals are all polyamorous.
Polyamorous people have to love their partners equally.
Not necessarily - watch this video, this video, and this video. Your partners are different people with different needs. Learn more about the relationship escalator.
Polyamorous breakups hurt less.
Fuck no. Check out this video and this video, and this video and this video for advice on how to handle your own breakup(s).
Men are naturally polyamorous and women are naturally monogamous. Women only settle for polyamory because they can’t find a monogamous man to commit to them.
Coming from a naturally polyamorous AFAB person who actively avoids monogamous men, sounds like you’re just a misogynist. Also, suggesting that women can’t enjoy casual sex is misogynistic and sex-negative–read this post.
People have to be “naturally” polyamorous to be successful in polyamory.
Watch this video.
Polyamory is just one person being shared by multiple people.
Nope–watch this video.
Polyamorous women are anti-feminist. Polyamory only benefits men.
Watch this video and read this post.
Polyamorous men are beta male simp cucks. Polyamory only benefits women.
Polyamory is bad for families and children and will corrupt them for life.
Research has disproven this - check out the longitudinal studies by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. Then watch this video, this video, this video, and this video.
If you’re struggling in Polyamory, that’s proof that it doesn’t work and you shouldn’t do it.
Nope–all relationships are hard, no matter the style. Also watch this video. -
How do you deal with jealousy?
I talk a lot about jealousy–it’s actually the #1 question I get asked! For tips and guides on handling jealousy, watch this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video. (For tongue-in-cheek but genuine examples of how not to handle jealousy, watch this and this.)
Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and for examples of common causes or roots of jealous feelings, check out this video and this video.
Jealousy is also deeply tied to capitalism, and it’s important to keep in mind that jealousy is not an indicator of love.
Also worth noting is that sometimes jealousy is the result of some unresolved inner work, but sometimes it’s an indicator you’re being mistreated–for more, watch this video and this video.
In my personal dynamics, I tend to feel a lot of compersion, which is joy seeing my partner with other partners. Check out this video, this video and this video.
I want polyamory but my partner doesn’t. What do I do?
They’re allowed to say no, so don’t force them. Watch this video.
My partner wants polyamory but I don’t. What do I do?
You’re allowed to say no. Do not say yes just to appease them - watch this video. Watch this video to learn how to do so respectfully.
How do I approach the topic of opening up a relationship with my partner?
Tactfully - watch this video, this video, this video, and this video. But be careful - they may get upset. Watch this video and this video.
My partner and I have agreed to non-monogamy but I still feel so guilty and ashamed.
This is called monogamy hangover. Watch this video, and this video.
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What are some of the benefits of being non-monogamous?
There are so many–here are just 5.
How do polyamorous breakups work? Do you get voted off like in Among Us?
This question was funny until I got asked about it at least three times a day for an entire month. Check out this video, this video, this video and this post.
Also, check out this video and this post on deescalating relationships instead of breaking up, and then this post about how breakups can be sometimes be healthier than deescalating.
What about STIs?
Check out this video, this video, this video, this video, and this post. Also check out this video about someone slut-shaming me for having herpes.
What does cheating in a polyamorous relationship look like?
Check out this video, this video, and this post.
Do polyamorous people have multiple individual relationships or one big group relationship?
Both - watch this video.
Can a monogamous person date a polyamorous person? Do I have to be polyamorous to be in a polyamorous relationship?
You can be monogamous while dating a polyamorous person - watch this video, this video and this video. Check out this. Not everyone knows they’re polyamorous until they’re already in a monogamous dynamic, and when they come out, some monogamous choose to work it out with them. However, read this tip.
As to whether I would do it, here’s my thoughts in a video.
How do you get into a polyamorous relationship?
There are a number of ways - watch this video.
How do polyamorous people have sex?
It depends on the relationship. Watch this video.
How do polyamorous people get married?
They can’t, and some of them don’t want to–like me. Watch this video. Not everyone wants to ride the relationship escalator (video).
How do polyamorous people raise children/kids together?
It depends on the relationship. Not everyone wants to ride the relationship escalator (video). Watch this video, this video and this video.
How do polyamorous people deal with unplanned pregnancy?
Watch this video, and this video..
How do polyamorous people live together?
It depends on the relationship. Watch this video, and this video, and check out this post. I don’t want to live with all my partners - watch this video. Not everyone wants to ride the relationship escalator (video).
Is polyamory illegal?
No. Check out this video.
Can children be polyamorous?
Can you be polyamorous and asexual?
Yes: check out this video, this video, this video, this post, and this post.
Can you be polyamorous and aromantic?
Yes - watch this video and check out this post, this post, this post, this post, and this post. Aromantic people can have multiple loving queerplatonic relationships - watch this video on how it is different from a friendship.
I think I’d be happy with both monogamy and polyamory. Is there a word for that?
Yes, you might be ambiamorous. Watch this video. But be aware that some people who claim to be ambiamorous might actually be casual daters–check out this post.
Can you be polyamorous and in a monogamous relationship? Can you be monogamous and in a polyamorous relationship?
Yes to both. Check out this video.
Can you “come out” as polyamorous?
In my opinion, yes. Check out this video, this video, and this post. But people will likely have things to say about it.
How do you come out as polyamorous to loved ones?
Watch this video.
What’s the polyamory flag and its history?
Check out this video. Also, check out this video for some parrot symbolism.
How do I know if I’m polyamorous, or if polyamory is right for me?
Well, you could try reading my content and seeing if you like the idea of it for starters. But I made a fun “put your finger down” 10-question game via video. Also watch this video.
Any book recommendations?
I have 16. Watch this video.
Any resource recommendations that aren’t books?
Watch this video.
Any TV show/movie recommendations?
Polyamorous representation is pretty bad for the most part - watch this video and this video - but is steadily getting better. Here’s my reviews of the Boyfriends webtoon (video), the Gossip Girl Reboot (video), and more in-depth video reviews on my Patreon. Here’s a post about my top 5 recommendations. I also made a video of my top 3 favourites.
Any music recommendations?
No, but my followers do. Check out this post too.
How do I feel compersion?
You don’t have to–check out this post and this video. But this might help. I feel it quite a lot - watch this video.
How do polyamorous people (literally!) sleep together?
It depends on the relationship - watch this video.
I’m not comfortable with a polyamorous dynamic unless my partners are also dating each other. I only want a triad/quad, nothing else.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a triad/quad, but if you are unwilling to consider any other options and are only comfortable if everyone is dating each other, that is unrealistic at best and toxic at worst. Let’s apply this to a friendship - having two friends who also like each other is great, but telling them you can’t be friends with either of them unless they are also friends isn’t okay. Watch this video, this video, amd this video, this video, and read this post.
What do you do when your partner is on a date?
Read this article, and watch this video
How do you handle polyamory if you live with a partner?
Read this tip and watch this video.
I don’t like my partner’s other partner.
Watch this Video this video, this video, and this video.
How do you manage your time and energy with multiple partners?
Check out this video, this video, this video, this post, and this video.
Do polyamorous people set limits on who their partners can date?
It depends on the relationship, but for me, no - watch this video and video.
Polyamory sounds exhausting. Is it really worth it?
It is to me. Check out this video, this video, and this video.
Polyamory seems so perfect - is it really sunshine and rainbows all the time?
No - there are definitely downsides. Check out this video, this video, and this post. Polyamorous relationships can also be abuse: watch this video, this video, and this video.
How do you handle different people having different boundaries for privacy and disclosure of dates?
Watch this video, this video, this video and this video.
How do you handle +1s to events?
Watch this video.
How do I meet other polyamorous people?
Check out this video.
Should I disclose that I’m polyamorous to new partners and/or in my dating profile(s)?
Yes. Check out this post, this video, this video, this video, and this post.
How do you have group sex?
I did a Q&A with @polyamorouswhileasian a while back answering over 100 questions from followers about group sex.
How do I vet new partners? What questions should I ask new partners?
Watch this video, this video, and this video.
How do I treat my metamours (partner’s partners)?
Check out this post and this post.
What happens if I feel left out?
Communicate: watch this video.
My partner is going through a breakup. How do I support them?
Watch this video, this video, and this video.
I think I’m in an abusive polyamorous relationship.
Abuse in polyamory absolutely exists–for common red flags in polyamory, check out this post, this video, this video, this video, and this video.
I think my partner is in an abusive polyamorous relationship.
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Is monogamy unnatural? Is monogamy bad? Is monogamy toxic?
Yes and no.
I recommend the books Sex at Dawn, The Myth of Monogamy, and Out of Eden to fully answer this. Monogamy is a relatively new invention and is not biologically innate - there is no scientific basis in the cultural belief that we should stop being attracted to others once we’ve found “the one”, which also explains the sky-high cheating/divorce rates. Also, learn more about the history of monogamy.
However, something being ’against human nature’ does not make it bad, and there are many valid reasons to choose monogamy. There is nothing inherently immoral about wanting to be in one relationship, and to agree with your partner to be romantically exclusive.
I have no objections to monogamy, but I do object to mononormativity and toxic monogamy: see this video, this video, this video, and this video. Additionally, I think a significant number of monogamous people are monogamous only out of insecurity - watch this video and this video. Check out this post and this post for my elaboration on my beliefs. Moreover, monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum - watch this video and this video - rather than being binary options.
There are healthy and expansive ways to practice monogamy in ways that are not controlling/restrictive/possessive, and I believe that all healthy relationships regardless of their structure end up looking relatively similar. See this post for further elaboration.
Is polyamory an orientation or a choice?
Watch this video.
As I mentioned above, it seems that the vast majority of, if not all, humans are innately “polyamorous” in the sense that they are capable of being attracted to multiple people. However, attraction does not require action, and not everyone actually wants to have multiple relationships. Therefore, some people choose to be in monogamous relationships while others choose to be in polyamorous relationships, but their choice doesn’t change who they are intrinsically.
Most polyamorous people feel that their polyamory was not a choice. Additionally, I think that people feel desire for people to different degrees and in different contexts, and some find it their desires more difficult to control than others.
Is polyamory queer, or part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
The jury’s out on that, and there are good arguments on both sides. Check out this video.
What is the difference between saying “poly” or “polyam” or “polya”?
Watch this video.
Is there a correlation between neurodiversity/neurodivergence and polyamory?
I think so. Watch this video, this video, this video and this video.
What’s the difference between a boundary and a rule?
Watch this video. Also check out this video on examining your boundaries.
What’s your take on hierarchy?
Check out this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, this video, and this video. Also this post and this post.
For my more tongue-in-cheek but still genuine takes on hierarchy, watch this video, this video, this video, and this video.
What’s the difference between romantic and platonic attraction?
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What’s your race, sexuality, gender identity, and pronouns?
Chinese (grew up in Hong Kong and the UK, hence my funny accent), bisexual, autigender woman (it’s complicated: watch this video and read this interview), and she/they.
What does your logo mean?
Check out this video.
What does Poly Philia mean?
It literally means “many loves” in greek. It’s also a reference to this meme, which states that polyamory is wrong because it mixes greek and latin roots, therefore only “multiamory” or “polyphilia” are correct. And since there was already a multiamory podcast, I chose “polyphilia” for my handle!
How did you get into polyamory? How did you know or realise you were polyamorous?
Check out this blog post, this video, and this video.
You’re polyamorous and autistic? How does that work?
Check out this blog post, this video, and this video.
Would you consider monogamy if one of your partners asked for it?
No. I explain in this video and this video.
Would you date a monogamous person if they were okay with a mono-poly dynamic?
Probably not. Watch this video.
Why do you say “non-monogamy” instead of “ethical/consensual non-monogamy”?
Check out this post, this video, and this video.
I love your voice so much!
Thank you! If you want to hear more of me, I narrate polyamory audiobooks.
